There has been a lot of talk in the media lately with the affair of CIA chief David Petraeus. Most of the questions that I have heard have been; "How could a man have an affair?" or "What leads a man to have an affair?"
I am a Christian man and I had an affair on my wife, and we survived! So I thought that I would shed some light on why I had the affair, and the reasons why we survived. I did a search on the internet and this is one website that I found, "Marital affairs affects one in every 2.7 couples. According to a published report in the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy, by the time we are 40, approximately 50 percent of all wives and 60 percent of all husbands, will have had an extramarital affair. Psychologists have estimated only 35 percent of these affected couples will stay together." ONLY 35% SURVIVE AN AFFAIR. My wife and I made it and today we have an amazing relationship. It is better than ever.
Let's start with why I had the affair. First off it had nothing to to with my wife, she is the most amazing person I have ever met. She did nothing wrong. She loved me, tried to please me, and we were best friends. We had a wonderful relationship together. There were times that she would ask "What did I do wrong?" or "What could I have done different?" The answer is NOTHING. It was all my fault.
So why? Why would a good, man that loves Jesus have an affair? In my opinion it starts very slow. It is a break down in moral and in my case religious thinking. There were two reasons that I had the affair. First, I began to tell myself that I had never had a lot of relationships with women and I began to tell myself that I deserved this in my life. I had gotten married young (21 years of age) and I had been a good person meaning I did not sleep around a lot when I was single. I began to rationalize the sin. Instead of saying that having an affair was wrong, PERIOD. I began to tell myself that I deserved it and that maybe it was not that bad. I told myself that I could control it, I would not get burned, so I started to play around with it.... I start to talk to different women and flirt. Well, satan was doing a happy dance, he knew that once I started I could not stop, one thing lead to another and another until I was in a full blown affair that I did not know how to get out of.
The other major reason that contributed to my affair is that I started to hang around the wrong group of people. Instead of hanging around a crowd that would challenge me and tell me what I was doing was wrong, I started to hang out with guys that told me I should have the affair. They saw nothing was wrong with it. I did not want to be around guys that were truthful with me, I wanted guys that would tell me what I wanted to hear. Bad idea!
How did my affair end? After a year of being in this affair I had begun to hate myself. I had dug a hole so deep in sin, and I did not know how to get out. I could not go on living this lie, I was miserable. But I could not tell my wife I knew that my marriage would end. I was stuck and I hated who I had become. Finally, I told my wife, as I literally could not live with myself anymore. This was terrible. The pain and sadness that this affair had caused was terrible. But we we made it, we survived. There are two reasons that we survived this affair. We both had a role to play in our survival.
My part had to do with a change of heart. My wife had to see, not hear (It is easy to tell people what they need to hear) that I truly changed. I had to show my wife that I was a different person. I had to show my wife that she could trust me again. This was not going to happen overnight, it was going to take some time, but I was willing to let her take as much time as she needed. I did not push her and tell her that "I swear I am a changed man, just get over it." I also had to get serious about Jesus and my relationship again. I had destroyed that. Slowly over several years our relationship began to improve, we gained back that love and trust... all the things that make a great marriage, and today we are 10 times what we were before the affair.
My wife's part was forgiveness. The kind of forgiveness that Jesus talks about in the Bible. I do not think that this forgiveness could come from a human. I know that Jesus had to give my wife a heart of forgiveness other wise it would not happen. So, when you come right down to it, it was all Jesus. Jesus gave me the power to want to change, and to stay faithful in years to come. Plus He gave my wife that ability for her to forgive. So give it up all for my man; JESUS!
After I had the affair I was angry at satan for tempting me. I was angry for him messing in my life, so I told Jesus I that I would not be afraid to share my story. There is freedom in truth. satan loves the dark and hidden. Jesus love light and truth. When you bring situations into the light, there may be hurt and sadness, but Jesus can turn any hurt into happiness and joy. If you have any questions you can post a question here or you can post a message on our Facebook Page. Thanks for taking time to share in my story.
8 comments:
You're a strong couple. I'm in a similar situation and I feel so much pain. I confessed to my baby and hoping to find my way back to love again. I changed from a very loving man to disappointed one. My baby is taking better than I am. I just want to feel in love again and not this pain. I cry every day and do my best to be strong for her.
You need to stick your heels in the ground and and say no more cheating, find your happiness in her, know that you made a mistake and will not do it again. She saw it on my face that I was done. From there I had to prove myself to her and slowly we fell in deep love again. I also saw it as satan messing with me and it pissed me off, so some was to get back at him and stick it to him :)
Trust me I learned my life lesson. We are going to therapy . Its been 4 months since the d day. Feel hope is lost and faith is shaken. You're story helps a lot.
That's true I was tested but will not fail again. Don't know how to fix things. Get headaches from stress. Can't hear love songs or movies. Feel lost. Uncertain about life. Feels like a death of someone close. Sorry for these negative remarks. Venting.
It great to hear that's there's hope .
Just a question when did those in love feeling come back? A few years in or more?
Thanks ")
I think I'm almost out of the withdrawl period of the AP. or still mourning how our relationship was with my girlfriend. Seems like I fell out of love. Did you feel the same . Feel like a changed man? Have a email?
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